I want to do it for the territory, for the sake of doing this. The transmutation of the energy is real. It is powerful. I can create connection to my muse. In this process I wanna transfer the wisdom that is universal in between spontaneously written phrases. If no one besides me existed I would dwell within myself to search for meaning that is true, for words that explain the complexity of inner world and which are not stories but deep communication. My passion lies in bringing into language that which sits within me and which wants to come through. Ever present transcending has sense. I want to cease struggling and keep feeling fulfilled. Fulfillment does not has to be created out of struggle. I want to rich connection with my muse again. Simultaneously, I don’t want to be addicted to altered states of consciousness. I want to be extremely good at something. I want to go beyond a need to be appreciated for my work by others. I want to create something big. I want it to go from heart. I want to be connected with my big project. I want every word to come from a place of truth.
If no one ever read it, If I wasn’t focused on that at all, I would have chance of meeting my source of inspiration. I imagine other reading this. This image becomes more sticky as I go further. It is not entirely bad, but I now have to stay connected to my core. I imagine a person whom I know personally reading this. This writing has an aim to work through issues that are currently within me. Thanks to that writing, I transcend what is within me now. This process sometimes happens to me also when I talk with somebody. I enjoy it very much. This is one of the most rewarding kind of experience.
I have a feeling that in a moment something else (different from writing) will become more meaningful. I want to keep honesty. When my most important thing is done – when I decide to do what is most important to me, I have a feeling of calmness and a sense of moving in some direction. What is most important in writing is to keep honesty. This work has no aim, no final goal.
Is it possible to entirely, once and for all overcome a tiny addiction by deliberately, consequently stopping doing that thing as soon as I become conscious of the fact that I am doing it? I feel I love the most this process though I’m not sure whether it is valuable.
I want to explore deep layers of my unconscious mind possibly through psychedelics. I feel it is valuable to prepare myself to the trips by contemplating – just dwelling deeper within myself. It seemed to me that dwelling within myself can be done while doing anything but currently I observe that I need a specific type of activities to be able to do that. This specific kind of activity must occur in order to put everything else in my life into perspective. This activity has to be seen by myself as highest activity – the one that cause me to connect with my muse.
Should I focus on building skills in anything? Should I trust this vision that I have in the deepest part of me that tells me to just follow what is attracting me? (not food or YouTube but higher types of activities). I feel as if in this writing my personality was revealed. I feel as if I was showing how I behave, how I think, even what kind of voice tone I use although these are only words.
Just writing can be satisfying. I do not have to think too much about what will come of it. Not in this moment. I want to cherish my uniqueness, I want to follow what is calling me as long as it does. Dwelling into deeper, more honest parts of myself is leading me towards clearer recognition of who I am. Knowing who I am points me towards that which I should do. There is no need for ceasing anything – only transforming it into what is more true of me. I don’t know whether I will ever write again. I will feel whether I want it. What is on edge? What creation is on edge? What would both give me deep joy and fulfillment? I want a conversation with the reader. Keeping my core, protecting my individuality, and adding the value of interaction.